Monthly Archives: March 2016

Never mind

I really don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

I cannot even strike up normal conversation with friends. I just pace around back and forth. My friends do not understand me. Some even appear to fear me for this lack of understanding.

One time I believed in the “small world” perspective: even out of seven billion people, the chances of one browsing about AI and being super-interested in coding even though nobody supports the person are extremely low and thus I am unique in the world. But this is not so. There are hundreds, maybe thousands like me in the world who are fated for the exact same events. And it is impossible to do anything about it.

I’m not ordinary at all. But there seems to be no way to tell people that I am truly extraordinary. I want to use my talents. All the doors in the distance are opened, but guess what? It’s raining.

I do not take enough risk in my life. I waste too much time sleeping. Most successful people sleep less than 8 hours a day on average. Yet I enforce an 8-hour-a-day schedule. It has its benefits and detriments. For one, I feel refreshed in the day and not bogged down by want of sleep. But then again, my work is interrupted. My mind is stack-based, and if somebody interrupts me I have to go down really fast and finish what I’m doing. I hate getting interrupted but at least it clears up deadlocks for the next day.

My AI crap is bunk. I wish I could do this but there is nowhere to go. No mentor that wants to help me. I emailed a professor at my local university (CS is not a big thing here) and he basically said this:

I feel your pain, have you tried using Meetup?

Uhh.. no? I’m not even old enough to drive. My father doesn’t care and my mom can’t help. When I frantically ask them for support they just Google the obvious stuff and say, “Have you looked at that? Have you looked at that? Really? So why is it not useful?”

My parents cannot put two and two together. Hello…. I already know Java, C#, JS, etc.! I’m not a “beginner programmer,” who do you think I am?

Again I wish I went to a magnet school so I could do engineering and such year-round.

Now my life is a wreck. What I want to do will never happen in my lifetime. I know that. But AI is such a young field, and I want to partake in it… can I not?

Am I too ordinary? Get off you “you are loved you need help” sympathizers. You don’t understand, because my assailants are the skeptics and the educated who are whispering to me, “Do you know what it takes to do this stuff? Do you even know what NP-hard is? Come back in 2 years, you have much to learn. Do something more ordinary, scrub,” and my late allies, much too late to ever support me, will say, “You are unique! You are perfect! You can do it!” One has no belief and the other has no insight.

My friends don’t utilize their talents. They don’t encourage me. They just say, “cool story bro,” and get on with their lives. Nobody really cares for me, except for homework help. Nobody has approached me, saying, “Hey, how’s your project going?” No, nobody. I have to approach them and ask for their input.

In essense, nobody interacts with me, which is a sign of my (obvious) lack of integration in society and community. I suck. I have just devalued myself once again. Applause, ladies and gentlemen.

Why are my friends rulebreakers, I-got-no-time-see-yas and weeaboos? It’s all my fault. I could have prospered. But the decisions I made in life were just plain wrong, and because of them I lose. Yet I still have still more to lose. I can still put up a fight. But even still I will lose all of them. So why do I even try?

Tomorrow I will lose the UIL CS competition. I’m not being a pessimist, I’m predicting the future. It happens every year predictably. I suck. See? I cannot prove my worth.

Maybe for being such a negative person I have affirmed that I have none at all.

I cannot cry even if I wanted to. It is not because I do not have lacrimal glands, but rather because crying requires a delta. What does that mean? It means that in order to cry there must be a sharp difference or change in emotion. If you are slowly become sad, you do not cry. If you grieve while being consoled and encouraged, you do cry. If you suddenly become joyful, you cry. If you lose your joy, you cry. But if you have been joyful or sad all along, you do not cry. Since there is nobody behind me, nobody to tell me that I am wrapping myself in a web of lies, that I am deceiving myself, that I am destroying myself, that I am corroborating myself, that I am not physically but mentally killing myself, I do not cry.

How many words will it take for someone to find this website? Right now the word count is at 892. It adds up fast, you know.

Soon I’ll lose even what I value. My friends will betray me. My hard drive will crash and burn. My parents will get sued. I will hack and get caught.

Since 90 days ago, nothing really has changed. I have just become simply more self-aware. My goals will not be met and I will punish myself for it. Nobody will be hurt except me.

My faith in humanity has been restored

Some-faith-in-humanity-has-been-restored

I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I feel better now. Not sure for how long I’ll feel better, but certainly I feel somewhat more confident of my abilities now.

That said…

LameBoy

LameBoy debuggerIt’s going okay. Right now it’s clocking at about 5.5k lines of code, so evidently still in its infancy, but we are making progress fairly quickly. I had to break everything so that I could add a layer of abstraction. It’s just a matter of cleaning up Denton’s crappy code and future-proofing it.

(more…)

Everything is based on circumstance

Everything has a cause and effect. Do you know how your brain operates? It operates by stimulus. No stimulus, no response.

For the most part, you can’t control circumstances. You were, ultimately, destined to be how you are now. Your mistakes were most likely caused by some stupidity down the line, which was in turn caused by a lack of time which caused a lack of insight.

When someone tells you, “you’re blaming everything and everyone except yourself,” ignore them. They want you to condemn yourself.

I don’t feel confident that I will achieve the dreams that I had for so long.
You know why?

Because I never did a science fair, I hardly do extracurriculars, and I hardly compete very often.
You know why?

Because nobody really supports me intellectually. My parents say they “support” me, but what they’re saying is that they condone my actions; they do not oppose them. In practice, though, if I wanted to make a tracking laser (which I totally could, by the way), it would take my dad a week to hand me the couple nails I was missing. And I don’t have any friends who can drive or supporting parents who could help me out here.
You know why?

Because I don’t have any true friends. I never did. From second grade to this point, I never had someone I could reliably talk to every day except my brother who’s not even interested in STEM.
You know why?

Because I grew up and moved out of the most boring place you could ever try to prosper in: an island. My family moved out of there when I was 6. I didn’t lose anything.
You know why?

Because that place was technologically and socially backwards. I was extremely interested in computing, and the best that my mother could do was buy a collection of 25 edutainment CDs. There was no one that could help. On top of that, I began school a year ahead of everyone else. That made a huge difference then than it does now. You couldn’t make friends, because you were this tiny guy in a school full of big kids. It was intimidating, and I could not get over it and strike up conversation. I lived socially confined to my home. The only person I could talk well with was my immediate family, and that was it. Heck, the school’s only computers were in one of the only air-conditioned rooms in the campus: the lab. All of the computers there ran Windows 98 or 2000 (I forgot). Heck, my grandfather used AOL up until 2008 when we finally figured out that he shouldn’t be using dial-up when he’s already paying for DSL.
And do you know why I have to stop here?

Because it doesn’t get any deeper than that. There is no root cause. I was born at that time and place, by those people. I can’t hate the cause because I hate the effect.

I’m too rich to be helped

I really hate the situation I’m in right now.

I’m not low income, so I am not predisposed to being assisted into going into top colleges. But I’m not high income either, so I can’t afford doing pre-collegiate programs in the summer.

So I’m in the middle class, in the heart of competition. And I hate competition because as I already told you, it devalues and destroys people to lift one person up.

I don’t have close friends. I never did. Nobody shares many things in common with me. Where I grew up was an awfully boring place. I’m an American but I don’t feel American. I feel like some disconnected limb of society. Nobody knows how to support me. They find me erratic, a strange personality, like a robot who somehow ended up in a human body.

If you didn’t know, I’m also a colossal idiot who is too ignorant to read books about anything in particular because he “doesn’t have time for it”. Bullcrap. I have time for it, I just get anchored down by whatever part of society just so happens to reach out to me that day.

Now it’s too late. It’s too late. I’ve lost the battle and the war. I never bothered to do a science fair. Now it’s too late to do one. I never bothered to complete any of my projects I worked on across my entire high school career. Now I only have this summer to finish them. I never bothered to make friends or kindle the fire of my programming club. Now my life is falling apart, and the only thing I’ve accomplished so far are crushed dreams.

I guess since sucking is so much easier than being good at something, I think I’ll just keep on sucking. I’ll be the worst sucker in the world. Except I can’t. Somebody already beat me to it.

I can’t be the best nor the worst. I’m stuck in the middle of the stream. Society is forcing me to be the most ordinary person I could possibly be.

Let me make this clear to you:

I HATE BEING ORDINARY. IF YOU ARE ORDINARY, YOU ARE WEAK. SOCIETY TELLS ME THAT I CANNOT BLAME SOCIETY FOR MAKING ME ORDINARY, THAT I CAN ONLY BLAME MYSELF. BUT I CANNOT BLAME MYSELF BECAUSE IT WOULD INVOLVE CRUEL PUNISHMENT INFLICTED AGAINST MYSELF.

Where are the smart people of this world? Have I been left behind?

Not even my family understands me.

I hate this. I hate that. If I am not successful and happy, I don’t have a reason to live anymore.

Remember that I am an animal who feeds on knowledge. If you do not feed me, that will cost you an arm and a leg.

So I found out today that I’m supposed to be interested in computational neuroscience. Hey guess where you find the crap? MIT. And hey guess what was one of the example sentences in the Japanese textbook?

MITのように大学に行きたいです。

If you have no idea what you just read means, it says “Yo quiero ir a una universidad como MIT.”

Stop fueling my jealousy because it is causing me to hate. My passion boils for that college, do you not understand this? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONLY A THOUSAND CHOSEN ONES ARRIVE THERE? Am I a chosen one? I don’t know!

Now it’s 10:00 pm. Stupid Earth times. Time goes snap fast. Idiot humans have to sleep a third of the day to live due to how inefficient the energy cycle is. One day one of the idiots in this floating blue ball will get to break out and then absorb the energy of the universe to make some stupid giant spinning turbine.

Stop wasting my time and get out of here. Don’t you understand that I am poor in spirit?

Shot under water, killed in action

Today, I found out that the senior I had been hoping to have been accepted in the best colleges (he really deserved it) has been rejected in almost all of them. Just about to cross the gate of paradise… and he faceplanted onto it. Swimming to the front lines in the beach head, it seems that he had been shot before he ever touched land.

So it seems that I’m the only one left.

The pressure is all on me now. I want to study something, something that doesn’t exist, and it requires me to collaborate with competent and bright-minded people like me. I’ll explain it later…

On the current state of learning how to code

Since 2012, numerous organizations have proliferated to teach people of all ages to begin programming. A famous example is Hour of Code.

Back then, when I was eight or so, I did not have those opportunities. You couldn’t Google “programming for kids” and have something more functional than Scratch come up. And Python was not so popular back then, much less geared toward beginners. Consequently, I had to put up with VB.NET until such resources came about, and people actually started caring just a bit about youngsters who wanted to seriously pursue coding.

But after all that – the hours of code have passed, you’ve mastered the docs after poring them over – what now? How would a nine-year-old ever start doing anything more constructive with coding than “Hello World” and bubble sorts and turtles without lurking forums and having some autonomy?

An epiphany

Many people seem to be stuck in this cycle of misery: that their life hasn’t gone “as it should have been,” that they’ve made too many mistakes, that they just want a chance to start over, that everything is impossible now, that all the windows of opportunity are gone forever now.

But I have realized that what you call “mistakes” is actually a particle of individuality.

I’ll give you an example. Sometimes during the day, I feel really stupid for doing simple math wrong; other times, some brilliant idea pops up and never gets written down; and sometimes, the intelligence just comes out and I do a couple of hundred lines of well written code in an hour or two. The stupid and the smart moments, and how we tolerate them – that’s individuality.

One too many times have I seen people who don’t care about individuality. You have to be the ideal person: the “best” person. You wanna be the guy who does a 200 day streak on GitHub, because without it you’re nobody. If you’re not part of the hive mind, you’re an outlier. These days, the clusters of people are crystallizing; it’s harder to be an outlier. You’re either in the regular, ordinary people cluster, or you’re in the “I-started-coding-when-I-was-two” hyperintelligent cluster. Suddenly, the outliers grouped and it became a cluster on its own.

And what if you’re in the middle? Are you an outlier? Are you a nobody? Or are you a ripe individual?

How about this: let nobody judge you. Exalt yourself when you must; humble yourself when you can. Do not let people view your dark side, just as people on Earth never see the other side of the moon.

Don’t think about the scatterplot. Think about you, the point. It sounds selfish, but it’s not, because if you think about the scatterplot then you will feel like a grain of sand. You will be overwhelmed, because there is someone better than you but no best in sight. Do not be overwhelmed. You are not a grain of sand, because if you were, you could only be picked up by the wind and carried away, stomped on and be destroyed. But you can move. And because you can move, you are self-conscious and therefore a powerful entity of the universe.

If you want to win, stop trying so hard, be an individual, and that in itself will be a victory. The victor isn’t the one who gets the trophy, the victor is the one who made the most out of the contest, the one who helped, the one who put up a fair fight against his adversary, not the one who spent six hours practicing the day before. Such dedication is not what the human body was designed for. It was designed for survival. Is this what you call survival? Clearly it is not survival, because it is at the cost of yourself.

To survive is to be the individual. If it means breaking from the trend, do it. If it means fighting the stream sometimes, do it. (But please, you should follow the streams most of the time.) If it means looking like a madman trying to get a point across, do it. If it means getting 900 downvotes trying to bring a message across, do it. Persecution is not a barrier. There are no barriers, because the individual is only bound by the desire to be free.

So do it. Be the individual. Forget about fighting against the big stream of time. There is an expanse of time ahead of you.

Please God

I don’t want to code alone. I want a team. And I don’t want it to be across the Internet either. I want to have a real, physical team composed of people like me, people my age.

My brother once asked, if God is present in the physical world, could he also be present in the virtual world – a phantom signal, an identity who cannot be traced? A random string generator gone wrong?

I swear someone out there is reading this. Maybe it is the phantom signal. Maybe somebody who can help me.

But please, whoever it is, come closer.