Monthly Archives: May 2016

Feeling extremely torn

School is ending soon. I don’t know how to feel. One day you’re in class and you know everybody around you and it’s a regular day and you’ve practically memorized the seating arrangements, and the next second everyone’s out of their seat and you’ll never see them again for two months. Maybe you’ll never see them again.

I’m torn. I don’t know how to feel. One side of me says I never had friends in the first place. Another says that I don’t want this to happen again. Change and continuity. I’m going to college faster than I think I am. I don’t want to lose my friends for another two months when I was just starting to truly know them.

I have nowhere to go. Right now I am typing with my eyes closed, imagining my place. I can’t find it. It is just black. There’s no point in me returning to my birthplace; I can identify nobody except my grandparents and my father alongside me. I don’t seem to have friends I remember. Wait. One comes in mind. But he seems long gone… The ambience. It’s cloudy. Cirrus clouds, with cumulus rushing underneath them. It just finished raining. The concrete is moist. The birds are chirping a bit; an idle, reflective chirp. I hear a faint whirring of a single-engine plane nearby. It is afternoon and there is nothing to do. But what? It is this same idleness that I found six months ago in that faraway place that I find now.

And at night I look out the window and I wonder if I really enjoyed the daytime. I tempt myself to just stay on the computer all night long, because night or day, I can be connected; I am only limited by my human Circadian rhythm. But eventually sleep picks me up and carries me to the bed. I think of my father and my brother and pressure myself to not inherit the same bad habits as they do.

During the summer I go to a whole new world with an entirely different, younger crowd. Even that is getting old since everyone is used to only being together for only 30 days a year unless they go to the same school, and this summer will be the fourth and final year of all that. I’m not interning anywhere; I hardly have the job experience I gravely need if I want to go places.

I want to code but the only people to encourage me are only 8 wires of Cat5 away from the computer. Stop trying to tell me my brother is supportive. The only reason he’s on the computer is because I’m on the computer. So he always wants me to take a break or play a game with him. I wish my family was a “maker” family. But they are not. Even my dad does not know how to remove the screws on a PS3 controller without (pun totally intended) screwing it up.

I’ve been crying on the inside for so long and nobody has ever talked to me about it. They think it’s just ordinary of me doing it, staring into blank space, pacing around. My dad has a bit of a clue of what’s going on but just dismisses it on the grounds of general anxiety. But my eyes feel like they are bleeding, not red healthy blood, but rather oozing a black tarlike substance that subjects me to an utmost internal agony. It’s not that I feel like I’m dying. I just feel in pain all the time. I keep questioning what entertainment is. Paying someone to make me laugh. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if the person on the stage just throws whatever he has on his hand at the floor, shouts something incoherent, and just leaves.

What an unhappy world secular society is. No wonder people take drugs and kill each other and beg for money on the streets. They have no friends. Nobody to get them back into mainstream society. Like me, they are torn. Things get so impersonal when you are not friends with the person you are talking to, especially in the business world.

People think I’m dumb. The reason is that I exhibit absolutely no enthusiasm or response in most things that I do. According to my brother, I am a boring person. I think I have forgotten what fun was, given the long span of time that has elapsed since I truly had fun. Yesterday my brother had his birthday party; I felt somewhat excluded. Maybe that’s my reward for trolling all these years. Playing with my brother doesn’t count because the fun usually lasts for an hour or so, then I go back to what I was doing before. When was the last time I had fun with my friends and not those of somebody else? It would be strange of me to take a leadership role, become extroverted, and suddenly invite friends to my house.

I don’t really know who I am.

I am not visiting a psychologist and I need to if I ever want to get this fixed. But I don’t know how to break it to either of my parents. I don’t know how to explain my problems and tell them that I need help. Remember, I’m posting these thoughts PUBLICLY. I’m opening my brain to everyone in the world. Every time I make a post like this one on this wretched blog, I’m damaging myself, my worth, and my relationship with everyone around me. I have to get this fixed.

Balance and satisfaction

I like making stuff. But makers need balance. Allocating time for making stuff without disruptions, great. And making stuff with someone else, live, seems so perfect to a point that’s it’s almost a fantasy just thinking about the notion.

Today I never left my house. Literally I never stepped out of the house. Didn’t even go upstairs for anything. I didn’t take advantage of the beautiful day like I should have. It’s as if something is weighing me down. I can’t stay in my room pretending like it’s night outside when it’s clearly day, and then spending the night thinking about how shallow my day was.

There’s something interesting about myself. I can feel my emotions somewhere in a place behind my eyes. I don’t know why, but it stings in different ways based on how I feel.

Why can’t I just make stuff then? Experience. Too many projects abandoned due to lack of time or fragmentation of a large expanse of time. The problems is that I have few friends to back me up when I’m busy. Nothing depends on me. Nobody asks about progress or demands it. My grade doesn’t depend on coding projects. Absolutely no force in the universe driving me to work on a project. That is why I only really do what either does not exist at all or what is required of me.

Granted, I estimate to be able to pull off one all-nighter every 30-60 days. The problem, though, is that I have family. If I had three, four days to myself or with a friend, yes I could pull it off and it would be successful since I could modify my sleep cycle as needed. On a weekend, though, it’s just not possible. If I tried to cheat sleep on Friday night then Saturday would turn out to be unproductive due to family events and grogginess, and Sunday I would finally regain strength to work, but I’m about 3-4 hours out of the house on Sunday, so it too would be unproductive.

This weekend everyone seemed to take a vacation given Memorial Day. Please, you care about going to the beach and tanning your nice pretty legs over remembering and understanding a president who emancipated an entire race, split and brought back together an entire country, and has a cool beard (which he didn’t have in his early presidency)?

One day I was intrigued with artificial intelligence and I wanted to go to MIT. I denounced myself as delusional, and look where I am now. I’ve deceived myself; I do not know whether I’m thinking straight anymore. Yet I have explored huge portions of my brain and personality while I’ve been at it. I thought myself to have a feminine character, but I was wrong. I portray masculine features, like being a “guardian” or refusing to cry in response to what someone said. It hurts me to stand away from everything, to only show a little inch of a smile, to live in solitude. But it is just a lack of self-esteem. I loathe myself for simply being myself. I can change whenever I want, but even that I fear. As I said, I fear it because I do not know others’ reactions to my change. I fear they will ask why, and I will have to justify, and they will refute.

I want balance. If I was encouraged to, if it was part of my family’s culture, I would run daily instead of browsing forums. Heh, talk about how different I’d prefer my life to be in contrast to how it is right now. And even then, this hypothetical lifestyle just doesn’t fit right. It is missing a piece, and that is “nature.” Not nature as in trees or the landscape, but rather the natural progression and evolution of things. It’s like one day telling me I’m famous for absolutely no reason, giving me a nice house and a million dollars and throwing a huge party. It doesn’t make sense at all. I never felt like I deserved it. Same with a dream lifestyle: it feels too different, too far-fetched to be real. It wouldn’t make sense; it would feel limited compared to my current lifestyle. Then again, my current lifestyle is already limited enough as it is.

By writing this blog I have harmed my relationship with God, yet in a way it is a confession. Forgive me for my materialism.

Searching for identity

Usually teenagers go through a stage of life where they figure out where they belong in society, and figure out their “identity.”

But for me the process is going terribly. In my early childhood, my parents seldom told me what’s “okay” and what’s “not okay”, so I think everything to be “not okay” unless they encourage me otherwise. Consequently, I find American culture to be horrible: girls are encouraged to wear highly revealing clothing; couples kiss and date; kids get rides off each other without their parents even batting an eye.

In my mind exist many mental barriers, some of which make absolutely no sense and some of them perfect sense, as a result of associations between actions and feelings or objects. My mind is extremely associative and symbolic which is one reason I’m slowly going insane. When I think of a word or phrase, an image flashes through my head. When this happens for every word and phrase, this gets kind of annoying after a bit even though you can’t do much about it. For example, I associate my brother with laughter, because the “g” is round and so is his face, and because my brother laughs… at me… when I do anything with him. And of course I associate his laughter with humiliation so I tend to stay away from him. And since he’s included in my family I tend to stay away from my family. He makes my business everyone’s business and he doesn’t respect my privacy.

I don’t want to die. Life is beautiful. But what is the point if I cannot or do not know how to enjoy it? The Internet killed me many years ago. And ironically I keep wanting to come back to it in fear of my brother who kisses me in the cheek; I tell him that being brothers doesn’t entitle him to acting gay in front of me. And of course in fear of my parents who will one day shake their heads…

I’m different in every way from my family. I’m left handed. Highly intelligent. Youngest. Worst eater. The brother who was too young to remember [embarrassing event].

I don’t want to live thinking that I will never get what I want in life. If my mother was here she’d tell me to “surrender myself to God.” Basically give everything up and pray 24/7. That’s not living out a faith at all. That’s just shutting yourself out of reality. Hello, there are 7 billion people on the planet and you want to shut off all contact and only make contact with one that’s not even on this earth and he’s not even a person (anymore), not for half an hour, not for one, but for more than a third of my living day? Not what the Catechism said. Read a few pages more. And simply because I made a criticism does not call it heresy.

I am a miserable person. Today I did my wandering thing again. If you are not familiar with the term, it is when I banter around looking for friends or interesting things then walking away, walking around, back to my desk, and then back to my friends again expecting something to have happened. I don’t like who I live and who I meet at school. They are uninteresting people. These have been a wasteful three, almost four years, no thanks to them. I want to go somewhere else and talk to completely different people in hopes that I like the crowd. And if not then I’ll keep moving.

I want to stop hanging around in the Internet.
Then stop.
But I can’t until I can fix this problem first. Otherwise I will be without friends.
Then fix it.
But how?
I don’t know, make some friends.
How!?
You have friends, you just refuse to play with them!
I don’t play with them because I don’t find anything in common with them!
You can’t find anything in common because you never talk to them!
Yeah, how do I fix that?
Give [friend’s name] a call, how about that?
No.
Well fine, sorry. No wonder you can’t fix your own problems.
What, are you going to try to fix them for me?
Yeah, I’ll call him right now.
No!
Hey, I’m doing it right now..
STOP!
Butthurt, I’m trying to help you and you’re not letting me.
How is that helping!? That’s only ONE FRIEND. And you don’t even know if he can help me.
Well we can find out.
Maybe I can find a friend that I’m more comfortable talking to.
Wow, you unappreciative butt. You have tons of friends but you refuse to use any of them.
Because I’m not comfortable talking to them! They have their own groups, their own circles, and I’m not in any of them!
You liar, you little lyin’ tom…
I’m not lying to you, I’m telling the truth!
You liar liar liar… makin’ excuses… you goin’ to confession…
You know what, forget it!
Fine, I’ll forget it. Fix your own problems. You wanna get off the internet? Easy, I’ll just *click* turn off the monitor here… and we can go outside and play swords.

Look how horribly worn out these things are! and they don't even have good balance...

Not how that works.

In fantasyland, this argument with my brother could be avoided entirely. I’d just put on my leggings and tennis shoes and go running like any other sensible person. Except men aren’t supposed to wear that stuff in real life.

You see, ignorance is bliss.

Alone

People think that I choose to be isolated, that there’s no problem with me, that I just like being alone. I hate being alone, but being alone is better than being with people who don’t understand me.

Anyway, I was rejected for that second officer position. I didn’t really care much about it; I was feeling terrible anyway and might as well have rescinded my position if I was accepted.

Nothing interesting happened today. No exams for me today or tomorrow but I still have to go to school. In eighth period half the class, who are the people I actually know, simply left since nothing was happening in the class. Off to the theater hall or another teacher’s room or wherever. What’s better than spending an hour and a half with no one to talk to.

I’ve been having this cough for a long while now. I don’t like it. And now I have a sore throat for absolutely no reason. Given the roulette of symptoms to come, I’ll assume it’s a cold.

Then my perverted mind keeps distracting me by looking back at sensual details, like girls’ fat shiny legs. Thankfully nobody’s caught me in all these years.

The rumors are true: my CS teacher is leaving with no known replacement. If he’s not lenient, it’ll be hell. Otherwise, happy times. I guess a little faith is required.

The city-wide hackathon has finally been announced. That’s great but I think I’ll have to miss it, again, for a trip…

I truly feel alone. I’m not doing so great at small talk either. Most people only ask me things about homework and other general school stuff, or “what’s your opinion on this video?” I just feel out of the loop all the time. I’m like my friend, but 95% less social.

Insanity

I have this great expanse of time before me, and what am I going to do with it? Hmm, how about NOTHING? This is insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting something to happen.

Today I came up and installed Dolphin and the whole shebang on my laptop so I could play Project M at school. I’d seen two other kids playing Melee on their Apple Macintosh Vaguely Resembling a Book Professional $1000 Edition with legit controllers and everything so I thought why not. I played against one of them and I got 4 stocked and I blamed the controller since I’d never touched a GameCube controller in months, maybe years, and got angry at myself so I vowed never to do it again.

And my friend brought his sticker-covered Mac to school and was doing some stuff on it. Apparently not only had he gotten a password for one of the school’s access points but also the passwords for both of them. I had already known one of them but somehow he got the other one. And then he told me he had won the city hackathon last year.

F*k me. Yes, that’s supposed to represent a burst of anger. He’s more qualified to go to MIT or whatever than I will ever be. He drives to the nearby “San Francisco of Texas” (as I like to call it) almost every weekend, has a very nice job at a company that even has some government/defense contracts, has a girlfriend who’s a freshman at college, has very interesting contacts, hangs out with friends a lot, what else ??!???!??? Yes, if this friend read my blog, he would be very disappointed in me and would ask me to disassociate him from this blog and remove all these details from him.

Because of course I have to suffer on my own. I’m trash, trash at Smash and trash at time management. Look at my trashy beard, I shaved it 2 days ago and now it’s already grown about 1.5 mm. Maybe I should stop eating trash. Maybe Trump was right, I should go back to my island, pick up my family and follow them back to Spain. When you look at all the prestigious awards of this country, who do they go to? White, caucasian males. “No no race doesn’t matter.” Yes it does. What am I supposed to get, Univision $500 scholarship? I’m socially isolated from people. I didn’t grow up in this area. I grew up thousands of miles away where people didn’t have computers much less even knew how to code.

Look at me. Look at me complain. My motivation is NEGATIVE. I smile but just for appearances. I participate in society but really the bare minimum.

I feel like I’ve only really been alive in the world for a few cumulative hours. Maybe a few times in my life I’ve been really alive but right now I am dead and I’ve been like this for a few weeks now. Video games don’t matter to me anymore. They make me laugh but only for a few seconds. And then the feeling vanishes. I find the things of society rather boring. Like amusement parks, I think to myself “what’s the point?” Apparently amusement parks are to have fun. But I seem more concerned with the things behind amusement parks, the business, the safety. It’s like I’m missing the point entirely.

Look at me. My life’s a wreck because I wanted control. And now the mentality will never end. I want my own destiny, I want to carve my own path, but it’s not going to happen.

I swear if my brother or anyone at school finds out what I’ve been saying about myself, I’ll die, not physically, but mentally. I will literally stop mentally operating. They’ll take me away and take me as insane. Maybe I am insane. Maybe it’s just regular mood swings put in writing.

My mother talks to me as if computers were the devil. She says my fascination with computers has caused my own separation from the family. My brother says I’m already married, married to my computer. See? My life’s already over. I hear my brother laughing in my head now. I tell you, I’m going insane. Now my mother’s coaxing me into doing the rosary with the rest of my family. I can’t, I can’t bear when my brother looks at me. He’s judging me. It takes me off focus.

If you can remove me from the anchors of this world – my family, my friends – I will act differently. But since they expect me to act a certain way, low-pitched “okay.. okay… yes…. no…..” then I can’t change. And when I change they humiliate me about it.

Look at me. Look at my inferiority complex. Every time I stand idle, I feel guilty. Guilty that I could not be doing anything more productive in my life than to sit and stare. Guilty that I could have chosen a more productive destiny for my life but I made the wrong decisions in the past so I’ll never reach that point.

I could have taken my speech credit last summer. Nope, I have to do it this summer now. I could have done some MIT edX courses. Nope. Finish Khan Academy calculus. Nope.

Look at me. I’m qualified to suffer. I’m qualified to drive myself to absolute introversion, because I’m just a shut-in. I’ve lost so many years of my life due to my affliction with the Internet. My job is to browse and consume. My girlfriend is my computer. My contacts are across the Internet, whom my brother calls “imaginary friends” so I guess they’re not real people so I guess I have none. I can’t really find anything I have in common with my friends. I’m such a great host. I can’t find anything nice for them to enjoy with me so why bother even throwing a party. If it sucks, I’ll cry halfway through. I can’t swim so it wouldn’t be a great experience watching my friends trying to – and succeeding in – drowning me.

I’ve passed the threshold and nothing has happened. I’m not worthy of going to a school where I can finally enjoy hanging out with nerds and geeking out. I didn’t enjoy the first part of my life so why should I be entitled to enjoy the second or the third. Maybe my other friend is physically injured but I’m spiritually scarred. And I’ve been like this for more than a year now. Oh gosh.

My kingdom is not in this world. Everybody cares about their physique. My body generates hormones to drive some organs that guarantee the propagation of some “intelligent” species. I don’t care about my body, all I care is about my brain. Relationships and discussions are only abstract connections in my mind.

I have to put some closure on this post before my brother comes back and sees this. I don’t know how to tell my dad that I need help. My dad thinks it’s an easy fix, my brother thinks there’s nothing wrong with me and all I need is a match of whatever against him, my mother thinks I need to pray more, my friends think I’m more emotionally stable than them, and my teachers find absolutely nothing wrong with me. And it looks like the school’s CS teacher might be leaving. God, put an end to this before the Samaritans come.

Dedication

So it has come to my attention that “some” people read my blog and they don’t seem to understand what I’m talking about and instead find my use of the word “feminist” rather controversial. Fine. I don’t really care though. Your fault for reading this trash.


Anyway I spent my Friday afternoon jailbreaking the Wii to rip Brawl and install Project M on Dolphin. There was no single tutorial on doing all that, but it was a piece of cake anyway, in contrast to my entire Saturday which was an absolute waste of time, except that I played PM against my brother who was initially reluctant to: “Well I’m fine with Melee, I don’t need Brawl…” 5 minutes later: “Oh my gosh the controls are so much more responsive!!!!” Yep that’s my brother.

Actually, the Saturday wasn’t all that unproductive. While I was at a house for an activity, this kid showed me how to play Megalovania with one hand with just a toy electronic piano. Just shows me how much I don’t know music theory or how to play a piano at all. I need to break the mentality that everything is just to show off for college applications, that if I do anything, that the due date is on the day that I apply to MIT or whatever. I don’t know how to break it though. How about, “I’m not going to MIT, I’m just going to pretend like I’m ordinary for the rest of my life”? Fair enough?

No of course not. You see, I’ve come to realize something. People who are good at something dedicate themselves to it. When I think of dedication to something I think of a dedicated server for a game, or alternatively an intense amount of work.

I won’t ever git gud at anything unless I dedicate myself to it. It’s like how when I truly start playing a particular video game, in this case Smash/Project M, my brain bends around and shapes itself around this one task. Scenarios play back over and over in my head; I simulate in my mind the button inputs I need to press on the controller; reactions to general everyday moments somehow get mapped to button actions or up-B recoveries; and sometimes I even dream of it. In a way, this mental suffering must happen if I want to learn piano as well, or with C++. I must spend hours a day doing it. I have to suffer.

Okay, so I have to suffer. Pick my poison. But what? I’m bored. I have many things I want to do and I have 2 hours in my day left. Which one do I do? The warmup time might take up to an hour, and full efficiency is only reached if I take half or a longer portion of the day to do it.


Successful people mostly got their motivation from their parents. The tradition of success begins at “roots” which is mostly a product of a Darwinian randomness, and then the success travels through the stems, and the leaves land on Wikipedia where they are immortalized and venerated for ages to come.


I want to do something creative. I’m bored. Let the summer come to me and wash me away.

Expressions

I don’t have that bad of a case of writer’s block but it does affect what I post in this blog. Instead of aggregating everything that happened in the past week I just complain about the present.

My Japanese teacher gave me a 97 on my project presentation. I guess she really meant to encourage me, although she really has had to nerf the Japanese program since, you know, it’s high school. Then I talked to my English teacher who had asked me a few weeks ago about why I hadn’t chosen to go to a STEM school. I said I don’t know, I would have chosen one if I was given the chance again. Then he responded that I was too young to already be regretting my life decisions, that being extraordinary in a public high school is better than being ordinary in a STEM school. But if I’m already extraordinary now, I can’t be even more extraordinary, can I?

The only thing I can genuinely do without constant interruptions is writing this blog and doing homework. Anything else is considered “optional” by my brother.

I don’t quite think my parents understand what’s going on in 2016. Times have changed. Public education is increasingly controversial; for example, a few months ago executed their full-blown drunk driving campaign, which involved a fake accident and funeral. But the people who spoke in the funeral were obviously struggling to not invoke God. How could you talk about death without invoking God and belief? And then I read books like The Fault in Our Stars which absolutely portray contemporary thinking.

And now my ergonomic wireless keyboard is dying on me and I don’t want to use the greasy old USB keyboard. And there’s no PS/2 port on my computer to use. Incredible.

And where can I find money to upgrade my home server, which hey, guess what, uses a MOTHERBOARD instead of a BACKPLANE? And where can I find money to upgrade my computer? And where can I find time to pursue my own interests?

Do you know why most singers are female? It’s not because record labels are horrendously sexist. It’s because they have a wider range of emotions and expressions. When all men do is stroke their hair and stare, women smile and laugh and dress colorfully and attend social events while men put on their boots and gloves and hammer the nails on a new stretch of railroad.

I have studied gender distinctions for many years now, not by reading books, but by witnessing the differences myself. Women are emotional and unafraid to express themselves and defy. Men are physical and enjoy pushing and fighting each other like a pack of wolves. Women are moderated by men. But simultaneously women understand more and cope more as mothers. I’m not saying that women are inherently better than men. But you see, contemporary society has transitioned to the virtual and the emotional rather than the physical. Men have essentially been deprecated in terms of their natural role. Women are exalted and they now do exactly the same things men do. And now robots do the grunt work men once had to do. Do we really need these obscure and annoying survival traits now? If we get seriously injured we’ll end up in the hospital anyway regardless of how “strong” your body is. This is why people don’t watch wresting or boxing or these “muscle” sports anymore, because it’s useless. It’s not what life is about anymore, at least not in the developed world.

So not only is society being secularized but also being de-sexualized. That is, the only difference between a man and a woman is their physiological differences that make them attractive to each other. Which still makes a huge difference for many people, hence LGBTQ[whatever else they call themselves these days]. The reason for a trend in “celebration” of a perspective that gender is a spectrum rather than something binary, is that people are finding their physical appearance to be an obstacle, that it triggers social stereotypes and stigmatizes people. People want to choose who they want to be and what they want to look like in order to reflect their personality and their traits. It’s like a tall, overweight man with a large, bearded face playing with kids. It doesn’t happen because people have stereotypes of large people and thus find such people rather suspicious. And so for a long time people’s entire personalities and futures were shaped by their appearance and physical traits such as voice, beauty, etc. due to these stereotypes, and they did not resist, they simply went with the flow.

But times have changed. Is that good or is that bad for me? I don’t know. In a way, I reflect contemporary society. In the future, I will be contemporary society in how I father my children. Yet there are the unknown parts of innate human nature, like love, that have not changed across the times. I don’t understand love. The notion of it has always been kept away in my subconscious which only activates right before sleep time. My rational, “awake” mind fears love because it fears how other people would respond to it. It doesn’t like sudden change in fear of instability.

My fear of instability, my fear of a negative response from a highly traditional family to which I am bound to, is why I will never suddenly succeed.

General protection fault

I don’t know why I am writing today. But I have a few thoughts to share.

Today I discovered more and more accomplishments from the people at the magnet schools. I hate how the teachers here are not encouraging at all. I regret my choice of my first-period throwaway elective. I would have preferred AP chemistry over it.

Then I make a fool of myself when I present my Japanese project which took quite some time. I attempted to speak 100% Japanese but it turned out like absolute crap, completely unrepresentative of how well I actually speak. The teacher said she was “proud” of me; I did not respond to her compliment because I knew I could do better than that.

Then I think of my friend in the hospital who doesn’t – can’t – go to school at all. I wish I could just leave school and do STEM year long. Public school feels like prison now, the absolute minimum. I hate my choice. I would have made far better friends if I had gone to school somewhere else. I would have had the encouragement, the information, to do a windmill, do USACO, win big, get recognized, ages ago if I had the right people.

Is this a depression or a puberty-induced mood swing? I don’t really know anymore, to be honest. Big Hero 6 almost perfectly depicts my plight: if I can’t go to this college, “I won’t be able to live with myself anymore.” Except that I don’t have connections with said college. No friends to show me around and show me cool stuff they made, no experience to make nanomachines at a whim.

Wish I could take a time machine and go back to the week of choice day, that fateful February of 2013. If I had done the right thing and talked to a counselor about my interests, maybe I would have ended up happier. But I DIDN’T. And I had another opportunity during elementary school. There was an assembly about a magnet school for middle school. Another opportunity, and I MISSED IT because I was too timid to speak up.

If I’m too timid to speak up to make decisions that will affect my entire life and future, why bother. I don’t want to go to public school anymore. I regret my decisions. Please.

And now it’s too late. Look at me complain and complain and complain. I set myself up for failure. My dad says “don’t worry about it, or you’ll get ulcers.” He is forcing me to be satisfied with my life. But I am not satisfied with my life, and I fear that if I try to change the plan already set for me then I will end up destabilizing my life and future and it’ll end up worse than originally intended.

My parents tell me to appreciate life, but how do I do that when I’m spending 8 hours sitting on a desk in an institution that I question why I’m even going to in the first place. It’s not that the people I’m looking for don’t exist, it’s that I’m looking in the wrong places and the crowd that I’m asking doesn’t know where the crowd that does know exists.

Retreats are only short-term reliefs for me. Eventually I return to thinking about the same things. I look at the hair on my legs and I feel like tearing it off because it reminds me of the hair on my face which I can’t tear off. I tried shaving it this morning with the crappy electric razor, but the hair refuses to disappear. I don’t want to look like some unkempt animal. It’s just another reason why people don’t want to make eye contact with me.

My life feels unproductive. I want it to be productive and fun but it is neither of those. I want results but I am not getting any of those. People depend on me but do they love me? No. They will mourn if I am not there for them but will they hug me if I am? No. People will laugh at me for failing but will they clap at me if I succeed? No.

If you want to stop hearing about this crap, just ignore posts categorized under “rants”.

Climax

Last weekend I learned how to be a human, working on a project with a girl who I had to invite to my house. I can count off the top of my head the number of girls about my age who have ever entered my house, and the number is less than five. Why do I tell you this? Because this girl just so happened to have many coincidences and connections with my family, knowing my brother’s friend from my brother’s friend’s sister, and having quite a few connections at church. And she’s had already a couple of boyfriends who unfortunately had to leave off to other places, and now she’s open. Maybe she sees me as an opportunity to have another lasting relationship. I’ve never had a romantic relationship with anyone, but it seems like a vivid possibility that she would decide to start being looking into me a bit more. I have a neutral response: I don’t expect to have a relationship now or in the distant future, but if a genuine possibility comes, I won’t reject it. Quite frankly, I need to learn how to be more social; perhaps this is my path back into society.

Meanwhile my personal projects are all frozen while I try to manage my way out of a billion school projects which are not stimulating at all despite the amount of work they are supposed to entail (and thus I put only the satisfactory amount of effort into them). Believe me, I know when I need to put my 100% effort and interest on a video or a presentation, and this is not the time.

But there is regret. Today I resumed my bout of “let’s see how many companies started off from people from MIT and other Ivy Leagues” after I found out that the company behind a technology survey I had to do was spun out of a guy who graduated from Sloan at MIT. And then my friend who told me that last year’s hackathon, which was sponsored by a crapton of Fortune 500 companies, was actually started by some kids from one of the finest magnet programs in my school district who went to Stanford. “Ah, I guess that’s how much it takes to get to Stanford..” And then my entire team failed to meet with me after school. This amalgamation of ideas that whizzed through my brain today led to a general feeling of disappointment.

Because my friend who has a really nice job at a tech startup is going to the overcrowded flagship college of my state. Look at me, look at my great job. Look at all my great friends. Oh yeah they help me build rockets and claws and other Arduino crap. Look at them, one in the hospital from a horribly broken toe, and another who dropped out of school eons ago. What’s my course of action?

Wikipedia won’t tell me how to succeed in my projects. It won’t tell me what it took for these “entrepreneurs” to get to an Ivy League. And yes, it matters. Shut up about “don’t worry about it nobody has ever disliked where they ended up.” Look at them and look at me. I want to be a great person, a faithful one, a committing one, a successful one, a loyal one, a leader. But I end up slaving as a “technology helper” who goes around installing Adobe Reader and clicking buttons on a mixer every Sunday afternoon. And then my brother who finally has learned to respect me and my “loads” of homework, still doesn’t want to work on a project with me. I don’t want him to be a tool but I don’t want to be a tool myself either. And as a result of this conflict, nothing happens.

I compare my SAT score, a 1500, to the average MIT score: 1500. Perfectly even. But what have I to say about my accomplishments? “Half-made a Game Boy emulator”? “Wanted to do cool stuff but didn’t have time to”? But then again, I have the last summer to myself, then I proceed on to college, wherever I’m going. I don’t know if I’m on the decline or if I’m becoming “MIT-worthy”.

God, I hope it’s not UT Austin. That college is overcrowded, and it’s an easy safety target. It’s also the only one that offers an AI program. My parents rely on luck to get me through to these top colleges, but I don’t want to make like a fraud. I want to earn this fair and square. I want the strength, the time, the energy, to actually work on something good, something that’ll not only get me places, but something that will help people around me. I hope I can finish the windmill in time.

Stress

Here is the complete list of things I want to do, make, complete, in absolutely no particular order:

  • My ****ing homework.
  • Drivers for a webcam that’s been sitting on my desk for months.
  • Master server for AOF.
  • Learn C/C++ but correctly this time.
  • A low-poly flight sim.
  • LameBoy.
  • Read some books (Kaku, Asimov, …).
  • ASM editor for TI-84+CSE.
  • Migrate home server to Linux.
  • LilithPort release.
  • Type Wild release.
  • Enjoy friends that I don’t have.
  • The water condensing windmill.
  • AI research.
  • Shell/terminal/Python for TI-84+ CE.
  • Web-based Attorney Online client.
  • Just a little…TIMER for TI-84!
  • Powder Toy screensaver program.
  • Falling-sand simulation with CUDA.
  • Cool bots for Ace of Spades.
  • Clean up my desk.
  • Migration of my own computer to Linux.
  • Upgrade my computer.
  • Upgrade or just replace the home server altogether.
  • Project Euler.
  • Some online coding contests.
  • Linux for Scratch.

But noooooooo. I just sulk around in forums waiting for something to happen. I am so ambitious, but in the end I take the defeatist approach just to bail myself out. The only thing I’m good at is school where teachers just tell me what to do and I simply take the abuse. Only one thing in my bucket list has been marked “done” and that’s this blog.

I’m tired of complaining and I have homework to do and I can’t do anything about it. I hate these mood swings. Sometimes I want the help and sometimes I don’t. Make up my mind. I’m just a salty little kid who frustrates himself out of his own impetuousness.