The people of the world know who they are and do their job. They have two legs, so they run with their two legs; they have two arms, so they make handicrafts and incredible contraptions with their two arms; they have eyes, so they look upon nature and appreciate it and its splendor; they have ears, so they listen to each other; they have mouths, so they respond and socialize with one another; they have hormones, so they love one another; they have brains, so they understand that they must do all of the above.
Cue myself in. Actually, there is no cue, I just enter.
I have two legs, so I use them to sit on a chair. I have two arms, so I use them to type away on a keyboard. I have a pair of eyes, which I use to look at a fast-moving array of pixels in front of me. I have a pair of ears as well, so I use them to figure out what I’m told to do. I have a mouth, so I use it to speak my mind (i.e. blabber words) when somebody asks me something, often a highly objective question or an opinionated question with a highly predictable answer (“What do you think about my answer?” … “See? He agrees with me!”) that uses me as ammunition. I have hormones, so I fume and crush myself from within when I find that people are socially more successful than me and that no person of the opposite gender has exhibited a vested interest in me. I have a brain, which I use to muse on random ideas that appear to me, as opposed to making a concerted effort of committing to a project and factoring in other people when I do things.
Instead of finding manhood to be a blessing, a source of happiness, I have somehow found it a curse. It is a curse when your entire body grows hair to the point of excess, sexuality comes into full force, and you long to be with someone else.
It doesn’t matter what gender I am or would be; the result would be the same, really. If I was a girl, boys would be rain dancing for me to try to hook up with them, which is a horrible, disgusting thought. I’d probably burn through 6 different relationships. But since I am a boy, people think me simply untouchable, that I will seek out a relationship when I am ready. Both make me a highly selective individual; most girls think I am too smart for them. From what it seems like, they want someone they can have a degree of control over, someone so masculine that the fact simply flies over his head. And to be honest, I do want to cede a degree of control to someone else.
Can you believe it’s actually become a game?! I’m supposed to play relationships like a game! Is there such thing as a genuine relationship, where neither of us expect each other to play this so-called game? I don’t want to “practice” for this game, and I don’t want people to see me as a “practice dummy,” either. This clearly shows my lack of understanding of the “game.”
And since I am younger than everyone else in my class, it has dawned to me that everyone has one more year of experience dealing with these raging hormones and playing this darn game every day! It is the Tetris effect but of the entire human body. Somehow, I am supposed to become accustomed to feeling this longing for love every single day of my life.
I remember when I was a high school freshman when I heard the teacher talk about relationships and how many students like to do it in the hallways. I thought of how gross it was; why did people choose to start relationships in high school, of all places? Relationships would be impossible to sustain; no wonder people kept breaking up and finding other people. Adultery. But my approach was not backed by any personal evidence, and it was utterly wrong. Relationships weren’t formed because people were stupid and felt like doing it early; relationships were formed because people were chemically wired to find skin to touch.
Now, I’m completely desynchronized. Whereas most people had two entire high school years to try their hand and test the waters in preparation for college, I really have only had half. This is not to say that it will be impossible for me to find a relationship; it’s just going to be much, much harder.
What I am actually doing is that I am waiting for college. Right now, I am in limbo. I can’t start any extracurriculars, because it’s too late in the year for that. I could apply for a job, but there are many difficulties along the way, given I want to start an internship right away. College will give me a fresh start on – well, everything. It is a fresh start on absolutely everything except my family and my faith.
Nothing really matters to me right now. When I see other people having fun during this period of “nothing matters,” I simply become envious of them, until my parents tell me to appreciate what I already have. I wonder when their perspective will shatter in a year or so when my brother still doesn’t have a job and hasn’t worked toward getting a life after college.