Note to self

As I listen to the “Undertale” track from Undertale, I induce myself a wave of nostalgia. Ah, yes, 2015, when things could be done and time was to be spent…

This, too, shall pass.

Today passed the first day of spring break. It was very productive as I had expected it to be. The car battery had died, exactly the day after I had told my father that it was getting difficult to start the car. The car is officially more than 10 years old now – I still remember the day the first day my father took me home in it. I was in second grade and didn’t know anything at all about my dad’s intentions. The notion nowadays is interesting – back then life was simple, and memories and reasoning surrounding memories seemed simple too, but as my parents explain more and more about the past, the dots are connected between my experiences and those of my parents. I remember the stormy days of elementary school, the day I didn’t join the recorder “karate club” (you get tiny colored ribbons based on your skill level playing songs on your recorder), the day a loud band played in first grade and I covered my ears, the day I made a figure-eight with a handkerchief in preschool, the day I tried to run from the blue screen on the computer when I was three but I had snagged my shirt on the seat, the day I tried to apply for an officer position for a club I wasn’t even a member of, the day I learned the past-tense verb “saw”, the day I was a high school freshman for the first time ever and I was calling my brother on the phone in the crowded bus dock, the last day of every single year of my summer engineering program waiting for my dad to pick me up from colleges I will never attend, the day I got this big hulking server, put it in my room and began setting it up right away, the day I played “BS” with some people I will never see again on the last day of my freshman year, the day I discovered Anki,

but never the day I made this post.

This is my note to self, whenever this might be read – in a year, in five years, ten, twenty, whatever – I knew exactly how to succeed and I didn’t execute. The circumstances of this time could not be controlled. I screwed up here, but the outcome would be the same even if you took a time machine. I knew I had to make the windmill and the e-bike if I wanted to entitle myself to the “elite” education I wanted – but I didn’t.

There is nothing I can do to influence you in the future. Time is the ultimate killer; it is one of the most feared forces of the universe. Such is why we keep pictures and try to hold on to memories as close as possible.

In the present, my capabilities are very limited right now. I don’t know a lot about calculus or physics, and I have almost forgotten everything about statistics and chemistry. I’m very socially inept. But I know you are much more capable than I am and have a much greater retinue of people, knowledge, and prowess.

To you, I cede my future.

2 Comments

  1. N says:

    Hi,

    I know MIT decisions come out tomorrow, and I know that they mean a lot to you. I want to tell you that whatever their verdict is, you are a truly interesting person. I feel privileged to have read your thoughts and feelings on this blog over the past few months, and for what it’s worth, I’m pretty similar to you. If you want to talk, send a message to the e-mail supplied with this comment.

    Best wishes!

    1. oldbyte10 says:

      I emailed a reply to you. Thank you very much for reaching out.

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